Dialectic Tension: Uncomfortable Being a Bride?

What is a "Dialectic Tension"?

Typically, when talking about Dialectic Tension, we are talking about interpersonal relationships. It is when you feel two opposing forces pulling you in opposite directions.

I think this actually has to do with religion, but it still illustrates what I'm talking about.

The idea with Dialect Tensions is that you can't fulfill both needs:

Autonomy vs. Connection

You can't be totally independent AND totally connected to someone at the same time.

Novelty vs. Predictability

You can't have newness and surprise all the time AND still have stability and know what will happen.

Openness vs. Closedness 

You can't share everything AND keep everything to yourself. 

What does "Dialectic Tension" have to do with being an "Uncomfortable Bride"?

I was reading my friend's blog. She is recently engaged and getting married 2 months after Anthony and I. Her blog is starkly different than mine. My only wedding post is about how stressful weddings are. She has a bunch of posts about how excited she is and about how she has all of these details figured out. 

We are both very in love and very excited to marry the loves of our lives. Why do we feel/act so differently about getting married? For myself, I believe it is because of dialectic tension.

I am typically the person that plans things for OTHER PEOPLE. I'm totally comfortable planning a birthday party or a bridal shower for SOMEONE ELSE. However, I've always been uncomfortable with other people doing things for ME (I won't even let Anthony help me carry in the groceries). This was all fine-and-dandy until I got engaged. All of a sudden, there is going to be this big event and it is all about ME (and Anthony, of course). 

Even worse? I want it to be all about ME and Anthony. I want the engagement party, the showers, the dress fittings. I want to go to cake tastings. Send out save-the-dates. I want everyone to make a fuss over me. I want that attention.

So, what is the problem?

Unresolved dialectic tensions cause adverse states in human beings. For example, if you have unresolved autonomy-versus-connection, you may try to be with your partner often, but feel smothered. Or, you may spend a lot of time on your own, but feel guilty. You simply can't satisfy both tensions at the same time. 

There are lots of ways to resolve dialectic tensions (I can't remember them all):

• Ignore one tension and only pay attention to the other.
• Accept one tension in some parts of your relationship, and other tensions in other parts.
• Reframe the tension as just a normal part of life (I doubt this actually works).

Yes, that's a picture of me.

I have not been able to resolve this tension. So, the adverse state I have been experiencing is GUILT. If you've talked to me about wedding stuff at all, you know that I feel guilty about EVERYTHING. 

Just for starters, I feel guilty that...

• People will be buying us gifts.
• My bridesmaids may have to buy dresses.
• People will have to go to Costa Rica if they want to see us get married.
• That someone will probably spend money on throwing a shower for us.
• That our friend is planning an engagement party, instead of out parents.
• Anytime I post anything wedding related because, while I'm not annoyed by others' posts, I'm sure someone will be annoyed by mine.
• That my sister is taking a day of work to go dress shopping.
• That my mom is buying my dress.
• That all of our money going toward a wedding could mean we don't get to get as many gifts for people as we did last year for Christmas.
• That our wedding, wedding planning, wedding pictures, wedding invitations, wedding anything might overshadow something that someone that we care about is doing. 
• Etc.

I wondered if I was the only bride that hasn't picked up her wedding binder in months. I found this article about how not all brides feel the same way. Only 12% of brides say that they are "really happy" during their engagement. Now, it is an article from a woman trying to sell her services to bride, so the "statistics" have to be taken with a grain of salt. 

"For less-than-really-happy brides, Life intervened.  Wedding planning itself was easy. Psychological and emotional issues are, shall we say, challenging. "

The author goes on to talk about herself:

"During my engagement, I would have fit into this category.  I felt sad about feeling disconnected from my single girlfriends.  I felt sad about difficult family relationships and how I wasn't being supported they way I felt I needed.  I felt sad about leaving my single life and losing my identity that I had honed and crafted for many years.  I felt sad, sad, sad....I was stunned at how sad I felt.  For me, it had nothing to do with my relationship to my fiance.  It was all "my stuff."  And it was hard to be sad when I was supposed to be "happy."'

While not completely, I do identify with the author. I'm a girl. I've thought about my wedding my whole life. So, when the fantasy of my wedding met the reality of my personality, I started to withdraw from wedding stuff all together and have become an uncomfortable bride.

Next steps? 

Resolving my dialectic tension and enjoying the next 10 months.